Exclusive | Chore wars pit parents vs. kids — and each other — in a stubborn battle of wills over housework
Forget attachment parenting, meet Hoover-attachment parenting.
As a kid growing up in a suburban New Jersey house, Jeannetta R. Bagley did chores every Saturday morning, whether it meant sweeping the floors, vacuuming or cleaning the garage.
Now, Bagley, the single mom of a 5-year-old son, is determined to involve him in household chores.
The problem: Her son’s father isn’t exactly on board.
“His feeling is that our son will learn eventually and that there doesn’t have to be a set schedule or daily requirement,” Bagley told The Post, adding that the two live separately. “He’ll say, ‘It’s Saturday, he went through enough with school, leave him alone, he can do it later.’ This can be very challenging.”
But Bagley said she’s also fighting another battle as well — perhaps unsurprisingly — in the form of pushback from her child, who doesn’t always want to clean up after himself.
“His Nintendo is much more appealing, but I stand firm, and I’m consistent about what he needs to do,” she said.
Welcome to the modern-day world of “chore wars.”
One that Upper East Side parent Sharon Feiereisen, much like Bagley, can relate to. Feiereisen, founder of The Mom Club, which hosts weekly events across New York City, the Hamptons, Miami and Greenwich, is a big believer in putting her 2-year-old daughter and 4-year-old son to work in the house.
Even though they often try to ignore her when she asks them to clean up after they eat, help with the laundry, and set the table.
“They pretend not to hear me sometimes,” said Feiereisen. Nevertheless, she persists.
“I have to break the task down into smaller steps, do it with them, or turn it into a game,” she said, adding that using chore charts and rewarding the kids with stickers they can collect and redeem for a toy or activity, like going out for ice cream, helps inspire them to roll up their sleeves.
“I don’t force them to do chores,” she said. “Instead, I hope my encouraging them to help will set the groundwork for them to do these things independently in the future.”
Ironically, Feireisen never had to do housework herself as a child — but says, unlike Bagley, her husband is in support of her approach.
Whether your kid should do chores — or not — is definitely having a moment right now.
Even Raffi, the popular kids’ singer, has entered the chore conversation. His new sing-along picture book, “Mama Loves It,” urges children to ask, “How can I help?”— as they work together to tidy up.
And when child development specialist Sophie Zee posted a TikTok of her then-10-month-old starting the laundry machine and doing some other basic household tasks, it went viral.
For Parisa Djavaheri, a single mom of two daughters — Ayla, 5, and Aria, 6 — the tidying up you ask your kids to do should match their age and stage.
“I’m planning to give them more and more tasks every year,” Djavaheri, a real estate broker in Flatiron, told The Post, adding that she currently has a live-in nanny who cleans up after them. “They will do more in a few years, like putting their dishes in the dishwasher and bringing their laundry to the washing machine. I want them to know how to do things on their own.”
Being self-sufficient is a definite plus, but there’s more: Children who do chores tend to be happier, healthier and more successful at school, according to a 2019 study.
“Real-world competence is very important,” explained Dona Matthews, Ph.D., a developmental psychologist in Toronto. “Kids who grow up without chores are sort of helpless and have to learn all that stuff in their late teens, when that’s the time when they should be learning way more important things.”
‘I’m planning to give them more and more tasks every year. I want them to know how to do things on their own.’
Single mom-of-two Parisa Djavaheri
Kate Auletta, a Larchmont mom of two sons, ages 9 and 12, has a unique take on the topic and said it’s much more effective to skip the “c-word” when it comes to household tasks like walking the dog and taking out the trash, and instead focus on what it means to contribute to the household.
“We don’t use that word,” said Auletta, editor in chief of Romper and Scary Mommy, noting that she and her husband are a “united front” when it comes to what it means to help out.
“We talk about how to be a member of a household and how that includes bringing your plate to the sink, rinsing it, putting it in the dishwasher, and cleaning the toothpaste from the sink,” she told The Post.
Of course, even though they don’t call doing the laundry a “chore,” Auletta’s kids still procrastinate from time to time.
“They certainly roll their eyes sometimes, or they’ll say, ‘I’ll do it in a bit,’” she admitted. “I just keep reminding them until they do it.”
Psychologist Matthews said delay tactics and pushing back when asked to do chores are a natural part of a child’s development, so it’s critical for parents to approach it the right way.
“A lot of the pushback from kids may actually be a reflection of the parents’ unconscious perspective on chores,” she said. “If you apologize about asking them to do something or say, ‘Maybe I should just do this myself,’ the child will pick up on that and continue being resistant.”
And if parents disagree, or one is more lenient than the other? “One solution could be that the kids have to do a certain number of chores,” Matthews added. “The amount might be fewer than parent B may want, but more than parent A wants.”
The one thing Matthews never recommends is paying your child for housework — no matter how big a battle it’s becoming to get your kids to lift a finger around the house.
“Once you pay your kids for Swiffering the kitchen floor or cleaning their room, you’re encouraging a transactional approach to family life,” she declared. “That’s the opposite of the communal spirit you want to impart, that we all live together in this space and that it’s all of our jobs to keep it clean and functioning.”
